Peanut Revisited

[I know I did a series on Peanut’s birth on her birthday, but Michelle over at My Semblance of Sanity is doing a contest and I want to play. I decided to choose Peanut’s birth because I wanted to save MA’s for her birthday in June and Diva’s was pretty uneventful.]

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Ever since I was little I wanted four children. Things being as they were, I was 32 by the time I had my second child and my husband would have happily stopped. We had trouble getting pregnant with our second daughter (thus the big age gap) and we weren’t sure we would even be able to have another child. I NEEDED another child desperately. I simply did not feel complete. I would go to church and see all those families of 3 or more and pine away for another child. It’s not that I didn’t love the children I had, but I came from a family of 5 kids and I wanted a big family. My husband was concerned about having another child because he wanted to be able to send them to college, etc. I told him before we started trying for our third that I thought that was a stupid reason not to have more children. My parents did it on one income and many couples found a way. Because we had two children already I wasn’t prepared to put a lot of money into a third child, but I would consider some minimal assistance from a fertility doctor.

Thankfully it never came to that. It wasn’t too difficult for me to get pregnant this time. I remember we went on vacation to Florida and it always seems my “visitor” comes when we go on vacation. I kept expecting the visit, but it never came. On vacation I had wine at dinner and even hung out in the hot tub. I distinctly remember thinking, “what if I’m pregnant?” while I was in there. When we got home from vacation I still had not started so I told my husband I was buying a pregnancy test just to stop worrying and then I would start. It had happened in the past and I was sure it was another false alarm. I was wrong.

The first trimester was a little scary. I had spotted for a day with my other girls, but I spotted for the entire trimester with Peanut. I had a sonogram before the heart was even beating, but there was a yolk sack, which was promising. I went back in a week and there was a heartbeat. Because my spotting continued my doctor had me do a third sonogram which was also fine.

The pregnancy progressed uneventfully after the first trimester except I didn’t gain much weight and the baby’s heart rate, although within normal range, was always on the low end. The baby was not overly active either, so I was always lying down and counting kicks. They were minimal, but again, within the acceptable range. Deep down I knew something was different. My husband and I did not have any of the testing done for Down syndrome, but there was a nagging feeling in the back of my mind. I prayed constantly that the baby would be healthy and happy. I did not add that the baby would not have Down syndrome even though I was worried about it. I never voiced these concerns to anyone. It didn’t cloud my joy of the pregnancy, but it was a concern.

Peanut would be delivered by a scheduled c-section but she had other plans. You can read all about that adventure here and here.

When we did learn that Peanut had Down syndrome on her second day of life I was devastated. I cried, “What have I done?” Now, you might think that I meant I felt responsible for giving Peanut Down syndrome and I believe my husband thought this as well. What I really meant was I insisted on a third child and now we have a disabled child. Regardless, my husband’s first reaction to my comment was it was not my fault and he did not want to hear me talk like that. In the 19 years I have known my husband, this was the first and only time I have ever seen him cry.

We quickly came to terms with the news that our child had Down syndrome. We learned that she had a healthy heart and other than being very tiny, was relatively healthy. I thought back to my prayers and realized God gave me exactly what I had prayed for: A healthy, happy baby. Three years later, I wouldn’t have Peanut any other way. I feel complete and no longer feel the NEED for another child. I am happy for others who are pregnant but have no desire to take their place. I thank God every day for my family and know that He has blessed me beyond any plans I had for myself.