Death of a Dream

Only three days after I had delivered my daughter. I walked through the house with tears threatening to come yet again. Our two older daughters were still at their grandparents and the house was so empty. As I walked up the stairs and into the nursery I thought how strange it was to be home without my baby. She was still at the hospital, receiving oxygen and being fed through a tube. I would return later that day, no longer a patient myself, but just one of the many mothers who cared for her newborn not at home, but in the sterile existence of a hospital NICU.

As I walked into the nursery I looked at the bright yellow walls and the border with happy flowers and lady bugs. I loved this nursery so much that I had copied it when we moved to our new home. It was designed to take our then youngest daughter into toddlerhood and early childhood. When we discovered we would be blessed with another girl, the nursery would be handed down and our middle daughter would move in with her big sister.

So many dreams; so many hopes; so many images all gone, dead like the death of a child that would never come to be. Finally the tears flowed and I sat down and cried. I cried for the child that would never come home to this room. This was her room, my dream child’s; it had not been intended for that child that lay in a NICU 45 minutes away. But it was her room now, my precious little girl. As I sat there crying for the child that would never be, I was comforted with the knowledge of the daughter that was. So many questions remained unanswered. All my confidence in motherhood was now being tested. All the dreams and hopes I had were being quickly redesigned. The mourning was over almost as quickly as it began. More tears would come in the days and weeks and months and even years that followed, but they would be fewer and farther between. Laughter and joy would take their place. The dream child is all but forgotten now, overshadowed by the child that is. The blessing that I was unable to understand in those first few days now is evident in every movement she makes and I am grateful to be entrusted with such a special gift.