The other day I was working from home when I decided it was time to turn off the television and have Diva play with Peanut. She was not too happy with this idea, but after some coaxing, they started having fun building a fort. I was enjoying listening to their play when someone knocked on the door. It was the neighbor girl wanting to know if Diva could play. Because I was working and wanted Diva to stay home and play with Peanut, I suggested they play here with the caveat that Peanut be involved. The neighbor girl comes with her younger brother as a package deal, which I understood. He is a year older than Peanut.
The kids started out playing dress up, which Peanut enjoys, and eventually moved on to "house". I heard a lot of "pretend I'm ..." I also heard a lot of Peanut's attention getting yell. I tried on more than one occasion to remind everyone to include Peanut in the play, but it seemed to fall on deaf ears. I tried to also explain that Peanut enjoys playing the same games, she just needs them to be a little more patient with her. Instead, when they see her playing with something they like, they tend to take over, pushing her to the side.
I never really got through to them. At one point, I considered having them play a game where no one could speak to put them on the same playing field as Peanut.
I have met other children with Down syndrome who are Peanut's age but can speak. They are included by their peers in games and even have the neighbor kids come by to see if they can play. I know Peanut is on the same level as these children, but her speech, or lack thereof, is holding her back. The other children look at her as a toddler and think because she doesn't have words she doesn't understand. It's hard for adults to grasp so I understand it can be difficult for children.
As I sat there listening to the play and watching Peanut be left behind, I wondered what, if anything, I can do to help her. How do these other parents get the older sibling to involve their younger sibling in play? Have you ever encountered these situations? Do you have any advice?
18 comments:
OMG, this is such a problem in my house. When Karlie's friends come over to play..Rylie follows them around crying because she wants to be included, and when they include her it never works out right. Even though Rylie is verbal, she has a hard time keeping up.
I definitely think there are two things that determine how successfully our special kiddos are accepted by their typical peers: behavior and speech.
Kayla is nonverbal and has odd behaviors (flapping, grunting, etc.). So any time we are out, kids her age and younger tend to avoid her.
Meanwhile, our neighbor's kid, who has Down syndrome and will be in 1st grade in our regular school, is completely accepted by her peer group. She may be a little behind academically, but she can speak and she can play appropriately.
That's why I've decided to put Kayla in a special education school. Honestly, my heart can only take her being avoided by her peers in small doses (like when we go to a playground) and I couldn't handle being confronted with that daily at school.
So, I guess I don't have any suggestions, but I completely understand what you are saying.
I just yell at Hannah and Jacob that they have to play with Bridget OR ELSE . . . and then I threaten that they won't get any ice cream after dinner. As you might imagine, it works all of five minutes. I think this is a universal problem - siblings excluding siblings. When you have that many kids together, and some of them with different abilities, someone is going to feel left out.
Jacob is often excluded at school by his peers because he is bigger than his classmates, but socially immature. Even though he's nearly eight, he plays like a five year old sometimes. Bridget likes to run with the big kids, but they see her as the (sometimes) pesky four year old that she is.
I really don't know what the answer is. I think it's difficult for kids to be patient and understanding always. That's hard, even for adults . . .
Hi All,
It gives some comfort in knowing we aren't alone in the problem. Thanks for your support. :)
Although I agree with a lot of what you say, I do get frustrated when I see these other kids running around with their siblings. There are two girls on our street who have a younger brother (2 yrs apart) Where one goes the other follows. I see these girls look out for their brother. Not to say Diva doesn't, but she does get caught up in herself. Even if we go to McD's and there are other kids to play with she forgets to look out for Peanut. I don't want to make Peanut a burden to her, though. Peanut can't follow her around like these brothers do. I can't let her go to other kids houses without my supervision like the other moms can. I gues that's part of the problem.
Understanding doesn't always make it easier, though.
In our home, no we don't have this problem. Probably because the two older kids are MUCH older! We have had this problem in school. The kids in the kindergarten class treated Carly as a baby. However, they have always included her. The teachers have really played a big role in that part. I think the reasons for treating her as a baby are; 1-she was way smaller than any of them. And 2-she didn't speak like they did (she does speak, but not much).
They were however, very much intrigued with her ability to sign. They would take great interest in that. In fact, the teacher would tell me that the kids would actually be jealous of Carly for knowing something they didn't know.
It's so difficult for me to read how all these kiddos out there in bloggy land, who have Ds talk and talk and talk. Carly just doesnt. Her receptive skills are dead on for her age. She can even spell words! Like I said, she does talk some. She mostly uses words along with signs for sentences. Which I'm thrilled with. Nonetheless, its hard. I know if she were able to speak as her peers, she would "fit" in so much better. Being she doesn't, the kids think she is a baby. It's the only thing really that the kids see different from Carly and themselves.
Have you tried having the neighborhood kids over to do something fun where speech is not as important as it is in saying "playing house." Maybe have the kids make an obstacle course as Peanut is a great walker, jumper etc. The big kids could make it for the younger kids. Show the neighborhood kids all Peanut is ABLE to do. Part of it is a sibling thing though. Sometimes big sisters just don't want to play with their younger sisters--especially if one of their friends are over. I know it can be a definite issue in our house between my 2 "typical" girls.
I wish I had advice for this one. Jonathan has no siblings and sometimes he doesn't seem to want to interact with other kids when they are around. Of course, he is verbal and does not have D.S. But he's still young and not as verbal as others.
I know you can't force it, but maybe having a sit down conversation with Diva and laying it on the line for her. A conversation when you are alone...telling her straight forward why Peanut can't speak, what the issues are and asking her how she would feel if she wasn't included.
Maybe you have already tried that. I don't know. I'd be curious to see what others say.
It breaks my heart because I know exactly what you're speaking of. I have no advice, and look forward to hearing what your other readers say. I constantly remind my own kids to include Micah, that he understands, and can hear them talking about him, and that he just wants to do what they're doing. Sometimes my reminders work, most times they don't.
I have no advice to give, just know that sometimes when you see siblings including each other, it's because there have been many, many, many threats involved. At least, that's how it was for my best friend in grade school. It was "Take your little brother out to play with you OR ELSE." We only half tried to include him, and only when we knew someone was watching.
Well Max is the oldest sibling in our house. Sam will have a girl from up the street over a lot and sometimes Max tries to join. Most the time he just picks on them or yells at them. He does this b/c the girls give such a dramatic reaction. I have seen Max play with them some. People we see at school or elsewhere try to include Max but there are limitations. He doesn't talk and he may not understand the rules of a certain game.
Just at home though I say they play some but Max likes to provoke them A LOT!
I like Chris's idea in your comment area.
hmm I have similar problems now with kids Let me think on it and I might be able to help
I did both your long and short survey and couldn't find any other means to let you know I'd done them.
We have the same problem at our home. Morgan is 6 and her sister is 18 months older and doesn't play with her. And when the older sis has friends over(some are the same age as Morgan) they leave her out because "she will just push all the barbies down and ruin what we are doing". It is hard for me. She is too aggressive to play with children that are younger but not socially mature enough to play with children that are her age. It is something I really struggle with, especially with the kids that leave her out at church and school. I took her swimming recently and a girl (probably a few years younger) went out of her way to play with Morgan and it made me realize how rarely that happens and how happy it made Morgan to have someone pay attention to her. You will have to do a follow up post if you get some good ideas that work.
I wish that I had words of wisdom here, but we are looking for answers too. Syd is two and only signs and is not yet walking. Kids her age treat her like a baby and try to pick her up and even pat her on the head. Sigh!
That's a tough one. So far Bitty doesn't care much about being included but I'm sure it's just a matter of time. We have noticed some of the neighborhood kids treating him like a baby b/c of his speech delays, it really caught my attention when I saw a little girl *younger* than him doing that :(. She was really nice to him, don't get me wrong, but clearly thought of him as a "baby."
Our older boys do pretty good with including him as long as they're playing with toys. When the video games come out, he's on his own (but as I said, he doesn't really seem to care at this point).
We've had more issues w/ inclusion with one of our twins. They both have social delays but one a little more so, and he tends to be easily upset and start screaming when other kids don't play by the "rules." If the other kids get too "pretend-y" or make the rules too complex, he has a hard time.
I don't really have any answers. How old is Diva? Maybe (outside of the actual play situation when her friend isn't there) since she has an older sister too, remind her about times when she too wanted to be included, and ask if she has any ideas to help Peanut feel included next time?
your baby girl is so cute i want to eat her with a spoon!
I teach and so this was a school solution. One of my cuties was going out with less interaction by peers than was wanted. I set her up. (Recess was outdoor equipment, but nothing else.) I sent our little one out with sidewalk chalk, which could only be used right there with her. Other times, 3-4 little bottles of bubbles, with the same restriction. Balls to play, another time. Once they associated her with great things, they spent enough time with her to get to know how fabulous she really is.
Elise
Thanks Elise. Those are great ideas!
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