Lately I’ve been exploring my low self-esteem and what I can do to improve it. Although I am not a complete mess there are certainly areas in my life that I need to improve to strengthen my relationship with my family and friends. Because I’ve been more tuned into how I perceive things, I’ve been able to identify some areas where my children may be going down the same bumpy road as I and am hopeful I can steer them in the right direction at an earlier age.
Today my daughter told me something that happened after school yesterday. She was upset because a girl asked her what gender she was and now she didn’t want to go back to school. My first reaction was anger at the complete stupidity of this question. My daughter may not be a girly girl, but there is no doubt in my mind or anyone else who sees her that she is indeed a girl.
As my daughter did, I jumped to the conclusion this girl thought my daughter looked like a boy. However, upon further consideration, I think we may have misinterpreted the reason for this question and made an unfair assumption.
My daughter has a traditionally boy name. Not like Alex or Sam which are often nicknames for Alexandra or Samantha. Not even like Dana or Jordan that are often used for boys and girls. It’s more like Michael, as in Michael Learned. I was always confused when The Waltons intro would come on and they would show the mom with a boy’s name. (Yeah, I know, I’m dating myself.) Anyway there was no doubt Michael was a woman, but if you just saw her name you would have probably assume she was one of the male actors in the show.
Although I love my daughter’s name and I believe she likes it, too, it has caused problems over the years. I always write (F) or “female” after her name even if they don’t ask for it. On more than one occasion some helpful office personnel has “fixed” my mistake and marked her as a boy. Obviously I don’t know whether I gave birth to a girl or boy. All those years of changing diapers didn’t clue me in either. I’m hopeless, I guess.
I truly believe this girl knew or thought she heard my daughter’s name and was confused. Obviously, she is a girl, but her name often gets a double take. After further consideration, I believe this was the situation here. I only wish I would have come to this conclusion before I sent my daughter off to school.
Although we discussed her being proud of who she was and not letting others change who she was, I think I missed the mark. I also had a few harsh words for this young girl whom I don’t know. I made an assumption and I feel bad about it. Not only was that assumption unfair to the young girl, but it may have had some effect on my daughter’s self-esteem.
Assuming the worst and internalizing it against yourself is not helpful to anyone. I look forward to discussing this further with my daughter tonight.
9 comments:
Debbie, I am so glad to see you back, especially for a self reflective post such as this. It is definitely an interesting thing to think about. Even though Aaron's name is spelled differently whether it's a boy or girl, we have actually encountered this subject before as well. I know you will have a wonderful discussion with her tonight and both come out feeling better afterward.
It's amazing how often a little misunderstanding like that can lead to A Really Big Deal. I'm glad you sorted through it to find the misunderstanding and I'm sure the end result will be just fine.
I looove her name, btw.
I love her name, too! It's unique (unlike Melissa). ;-)
For those of us who've seen pictures of her, there's no mistaking she is a girl. I'm sure it's like you said and the entire thing was a misunderstanding. I hope you all are able to get it figured out.
Glad to see you post!
There is no way to confuse her as a boy. It had to be the name, I'm guessing too. I would not read too much into it though really--kids come up with crazy stuff sometimes. Did this other person know her or just hear her name being called?
Since Sam has gotten her hair chopped off, I now wonder if people think she may be a boy--when she is not completely dressed in pink anyway!
Have a nice weekend!
Looking at your beautiful daughters' photos, it's clear that not one of them could be confused as a boy just by looking at them, so the question must've come from some confusion the other child is having. Maybe the name, maybe not. Or maybe it was just a dumb question to make her feel bad. Whatever it is, I'd be like a mother bear out to protect my daughter, too. Kids can be so weird (there's a really strange girl in my 10 year old's class that thinks she's a vampire!) Hopefully, this will all resolve itself.
We know a family that named their first born (a girl) "Markie" after the father's deceased brother Mark.
I'm sure as she gets older she will come to appreciate her differences and excell in having a name not taken by all.
I agree with the other comments. It was either about her name and the other girl sees things as very black and white. Or that she was teasing her. My vote is on the first one. I honestly didn't know that you had low self-esteem, maybe because mine was so low in school. Praying for you and your little ones! Take care!
I sat with you at lunch back in June and saw absolutely no trace of insecurity. The woman I saw before me was witty, strong, wise, charming and altogether delightful. Those shaky feelings you experience sometimes are normal. We all go through them. It's what you do with them that matters most. In your case, the vast majority of the time you fight through them to accomplish your goals instead of allowing them to paralyze you in your tracks. They say the true measure of courage is to act in spite of fear. The same is true of self-doubt.
Debbie, the words of wisdom you share about raising DS and other handicapped children are nothing short of inspirational. I have been so educated and have thus been able to educate others, often pointing them to your blog for more info. Did I mention that I think you're one smart cookie? And a great mom to all your girls. And I tell that to anybody and everybody who needs your wisdom.
Your initial reaction to this situation is understandable. I gave Bug a traditionally female name (Though there have been some pretty famous men with it, as well!) and I use to bristle every time I had to explain or correct someone's correction of my "mistake" on a form. He's 30 now and for business purposes chooses to use his middlename to avoid confusion. But I digress...
The coolest aspect of what happend here is that it gave your daughter a chance to see how Mommy makes mistakes, recognizes them, and handles their correction. That is a gift that is priceless. The best gift we can give our kids is a good example. You do that every day. This just gave you another great one to use to their benefit.
So, take a deep breath and keep doing what you are doing. It's good stuff.
I am proud to know you, Mrs. Yost. xoxoxo
Glad to see you back!
There is clearly no mistaking your daughter for a boy, so I agree it was probably some confusion over her name although your initial reaction is understandable.
Honestly, sounds like something my 8-yr-olds might ask someone and they might not even need a "reason." They often make a point of telling people they are boys as part of their greeting / introduction (even though it is obvious).
Hope everything worked out ok.
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