Last Sunday Peanut started attending music therapy again. I had put her in this class when she was younger, but for many reason’s decided to take a break. This class was put together by one of the mom’s in our area who has a daughter with Down syndrome. Her daughter is a year older than Peanut. All the children in the class have Down syndrome and are between the ages of 4-8.
Two of the children that are in the class are the same age as Peanut, but have not turned 5 yet. One turns 5 this month and the other turns 5 in April. I’ve known the latter’s family since she was first born.
I know we should not compare our children, regardless of disabilities, but it is natural to see difference and have them raise questions. The other children, we’ll call them Jeremy and Abigail, are much taller than Peanut. More the size of a 5 year old where Peanut is still the size of a 3 year old. They both speak very well. Abigail’s vocabulary is not only vast but clear and articulate. During class, I do not know how they behaved, but I have a feeling they needed less redirection than Peanut. True, they were in class last session, but Peanut attends preschool and knows the rules of “group time". In just observing these three children, Abigail and Jeremy seem more “mature” for lack of a better word.
All this has raised some questions in my mind. In addition, Peanut will be going through a full evaluation at school this month including psych and IQ tests in preparation and placement into Kindergarten. I’m wondering if Peanut is where she is naturally or if somehow, I have failed her.
I’ve always been a mom that believes in letting things develop naturally. Sure I try to ask colors and numbers, etc. at home, but I do this during other day to day activities, not during a set “study time.” For the most part I leave this education to the schools and stick with life skills at home. I don’t read a lot to my kids and really Peanut is still in a stage of flipping the page before I can finish reading it. I find this frustrating and don’t enjoy the struggle. Other moms talk about all the homework they do with their children. The reviewing and testing. I let the kids do homework on their own. I’m available for questions and may look at it for neatness and glaring mistakes, but for the most part, I let it stand on its own merit and get the grade it gets. I never study spelling words with Diva, but she does well without it. It was always a struggle and fight working with Michelangelo on spelling words and I have no desire to do that again if I can avoid it.
So with Peanut, I do the same. In day to day activities I ask her about colors. If I’m playing with her I try to remember to have her count, but I forget a lot. When we play on the chalkboard or paint I work with her on how to hold the writing utensil and see if she can imitate letters in her name or stick figures, but I do not set out “study time.”
Then there’s her speech and size. Try as I might, it is hard to see her as a 5 year old. I’m constantly reminding myself she is 5. I think we naturally expect more from a child who we can have a conversation with because they verbally tell us what they understand.
As for size; I’ve often thought how difficult it is for the kid who is big for his age. Because a 4 year old looks like a 6 year old, people expect him to act like a 6 year old. But, when he acts like a 4 year old we are shocked and even put out a little. It’s not fair to the kid that he’s bigger. His brain and experience is still that of a 4 year old. The same, I think goes for Peanut but in the opposite.
I wonder if she is learning on her time, maturing at her speed, interacting with others on her terms or if I somehow, have added to her disabilities. Could I have done more? Should I expect more? Or would she still be at this level even if I had done things differently? Is this just her natural level of development?
In the end, it doesn’t really matter. I love her regardless and I know I could not have done things differently. It’s just not who I am. But, it does make you think.
6 comments:
I am NOT a therapy/homework mom. Kayla works so hard at school, I really believe home should be for downtime and family time. I honestly don't think that drilling Kayla with flashcards or repeating tasks over and over again at a table would have made her any "higher functioning". She is able to do what she can do. No amount of "work" is going to change that. Either that, or I'm just a slacker mom, LOL.
I think u are a great mom every kid is different no matter what disability. the same is true with the general population. I hope the testing goes well.
They give her an IQ test? Max is going through his 3 year eval right now. I don't think they have ever tested IQ before. I doubt they do this time either but I will ask if they do.
I'm shocked Diva does well on her words. She must be smart! We work hours with Sam. It is a huge struggle with her. She has the sloppiest hand writing as well.
I don't think working differently with Peanut would have changed things. She is who she is. I sometimes think the same with Max. If I took him to private speech his whole life would he be talking right now? I'll never know. He is who he is.
When John was first born, I received two pieces of advice that have stayed with me.
The geneticist at the hospital, after telling me all of the negatives associated with Ds, told me, that despite all of the potential negatives, I should go home and raise him like I did my girls...right after I made that appointment with Birth to Three...something I did not have to do with my other two.
The other piece of advice: Assume Competence. John's first PT took the approach that he was going to be able to do everything and expected that from him. When things were delayed, we addressed those delays.
I think your question of "What Comes Naturally?" is a hard one to answer. It goes back to that whole Nature vs Nuture thing which applies to all kids.
In my three years of raising of child with Down syndrome, I do think you need to push more, that things don't come as naturally as they do with typical children. I see that John's brain sometimes needs extra help making the connections-that seemed to come so naturally with my girls.
What comes naturally to mothers is the we teach our children without even realizing it. I have felt that I could do more with John. I don't set apart a set time each day to do PT, OT etc. I have beaten myself up about this so I was pretty surprised when John's speech pathologist told the school district that I am a model mother because I incorporate John's therapies into everyday life. Just like you do! So I guess that makes you a model mom too!
Yeah us!
We can always to more, but we also need to just accept that at some point, doing more may not make a bit of difference. It might assuage some self inflicted guilt, but it may not make a bit of difference in how our child develops. At some point, you just need to let kids be kids--no matter how many chromosomes they have.
I think all adults should let kids develop at their own pace. This is something I constantly struggle with, because public schools want to push, push, push kids on to the next level even when they aren't intellectually, developmentally, or emotionally ready to move any faster than they are.
As for Peanut's size, what does her pediatrician say? There is a first-grader at my kids' school who is no bigger than Bridget. Her classmates tower over her. Then I see other kids who are very tall for their ages.
You are doing a fantastic job!
As long as you are aware and thinking and considering all of these aspects, then you are on the right page. As parents, if we are questioning our methods and abilities it is because we do care and are working to be the best parent/s we can be.
You already know the struggles I have with homework and studying and my children have no disability that affects their learning capabilities.
Though, you could ask her. Put out a work book with her coloring books for her to trace letters and numbers; Let her match colors, that type of thing.
My friend who is an experienced teacher and also currently head of the science department at her elementary school is really big about tactile learning.
From when my kids were little; having them draw letters in sand or flour (copy from a printed letter) that kind of thing.
Not necessary, of course, but if you are curious and thinking and wondering -- just throw some of that out there with her other activities. Not a force "study period" but she might find it interesting during play time.
Am I making any sense? LOL!
However you look at it, you are a great Mom. We all know that from having followed your Mommy journey thus far and from interacting and building friendships with you.
;-)
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